


Kokichi regrets every decision he ever made in life

by 003Hime



Series: Crackanronpa [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, bless you all, everyone is out of character it's a fucking crackfic, i love you all you do wonderful work and keep going you're all amazing, i tried to keep it as inoffensive as possible but im sorry 911 operators, im being held hostage as i write this, komaeda has a gun to my head, please take nothing i write seriously, sans is setting up a noose guys what do i do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2019-10-16 03:13:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17541575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/003Hime/pseuds/003Hime
Summary: Sans and Komaeda demand 25 million empty condom wrappers for my release. Until then I'm being forced to write this. Send help guys.Kokichi Ouma finds himself getting employed at a 911 operator office thing, who knows what they're called? Despair-related shenanigans ensue.(On a serious note, this is inspired by Doppio gets a godamn job at Wendy's, which you need to read. Now.)(Author is not really held hostage but instead she is dying inside and wants this to be turned into the new Bible.)





	1. Chapter 1

Kokichi Ouma looked up at the sky as his Ford Fiesta rolled agonisingly slowly into a parking space. "Boy, I hope my first day on the job goes well!" he exclaimed, unaware of the small child he had just knocked over. He was disturbed by the child's grandmother banging on the window. "You just hit my kid, what the fuck kind of drug are you on?!"

Kokichi looked at the woman, who was now attempting to call the police and possibly Domino's Pizza. He regarded her fat fingers as they typed frantically at the tiny keyboard, and as she held the phone to her ear, he climbed out of the car. "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but if you're ordering pizza you'd better get me one too." The woman dropped her phone in sheer panic as Kokichi hit the ground in a slut drop, completed by removing his checkered scarf and hurling it at the child, who was unconscious underneath his car. "This should help pay for the damages, it's worth over a million. Take it to the Gucci store down the road." Kokichi then extended one drastically shaven leg to point to the building in front of them. "If you'll excuse me ma'am I have a job to get to, these arrests aren't going to make themselves."

The obese grandma jumped again. "A-are you a police officer? Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise who I was speaking t-wait a second, that's not a station!"

Kokichi backflipped three times, until he landed on his feet, promptly crushing the young child's fingers under his goth boots. "Oh no, you see, I answer the calls and send some donut-eating fatass to deal with the criminals. After all, it would be a crime for this body to get injured on the job!" He proved his point by performing a short pole dance routine on the lamppost, tearing his New Look leggings on a piece of sharp metal. Kokichi then locked his car and skipped off, twirling through the glass doors and greeting the receptionist with a passionate 'HEE HEE!'.

The receptionist looked up. "What did you just say sir? I'm afraid I didn't quite catch that." She spun aggressively in her wheely-chair as he repeated the phrase. 

"I'm Celestia Ludenberg goddamnit!" Kokichi told her. The receptionist's nostrils flared and she struck a silver finger in front of her face. "I think you'll find I'M Celestia Ludenberg, goddamnit!" Kokichi looked confused for a second. "I was just reading your nametag miss." Celestia settled down, flustered. "Oh, right, sorry. The assholes here keep telling me to change my tag, but I don't give a fuck."

She handed the new employee a Burger King napkin, on which was written his desk number and a short guide on how to answer phone calls, scrawled on in blue sharpie. "The other shitbags will give you some pointers but don't ask them fo-hey wait, I didn't finish speaking!" Kokichi had already run off, waving his napkin with glee. "I did it! I did it! I'm gonna be able to pay my bills for once! HEE HEE!!!"

Kokichi held the napkin in front of his face in order to check his desk number. "Hm, looks like I'll be at number 69!" It was at that moment the paper blew out of his hand and straight into the enormous paper shredder attached to the wall, destroying said paper in seconds. Kokichi glared at it. "Why the hell would they have such a dangerous object stuck out of the wall like that..."

He continued down the corridor to a room full of colourful figures, each sat at a desk chattering frantically to whichever poor, fucked soul was on the other side. "How dreadful, that so many accidents and crimes happen today that we need so many of these places," he muttered, his voice becoming lower and more emo-sounding. Then his arm was bumped. "Actually dude, this room is where they send the non-priority calls. Someone's special kid put a toad in the washing machine and all that." Kokichi looked up at the tall guy beside him, eyes drawn instantly to the diarrhoea-looking thing attached to his forehead. "Excuse me sir, did someone shit on you?" He asked innocently.

The guy looked at him, a thousand cries for someone to end his miserable fucking life flashing through his eyes, before he laughed. "Nah man, that's my hair. My name's Mondo. Who are you?" Kokichi blinked, watching from the corner of his eye as a guy dressed in all white (good fashion sense, he thought) threw an Apple Mac across the room. Mondo barely even flinched as the white plastic smashed to pieces by the side of his head. 

Before Kokichi could answer his question, the other snowman-looking asshole came running towards them, waving his hands frantically and sweating harder than an obese pensioner on holiday in Tenerife. "Mondo, I am so, so sorry, my gaze was clouded by that fat fuck Hifumi and I completely missed my target!" Mondo stared at a piece of glass resting on his shoulder for a second and then grinned. "Hey, no problem man. Who were you aiming for anyway?" 

The guy (who's nametag read "Kiyotaka") folded his arms, turning his head sideways fast enough to give five people in the surrounding area whiplash, and glared machetes at a girl in a red tracksuit jacket, who was flipping him off with both hands and another, which appeared to belong to the large muscular girl sat beside her. "Asahina and Oogami have been playing Terraria for twenty minutes instead of answering calls! I had to deal with a man who's pet snake killed their neighbour's guinea pig family in broad daylight! I'll die if I ever hear his grating, corny voice again."

Mondo shrugged. "I'll sort 'em out. Before you got here, I was askin' the new kid his name. You wanna tell us, Panic?" 

Kokichi cleared his throat. "My name is Kokichi Ouma, and I'm here to DON'T VOTE, EAT TRASH, DO DRUGS, GET CASH, EAT ASS AND DIE FAST!" 

As Kiyotaka and Mondo stared at him in utter shock and embarrassment, a guy at a nearby table with unkempt white hair chanted "THE FUCKIN' MOTTO, BORN TO DIE, WORLD IS A FUCK!" 

Kokichi ran over to high-five the guy and they default-danced in complete sync. Kiyotaka had passed out in Mondo's arms, and the shit-haired biker carried him over to the water station, before hurriedly pouring juice over the loud man's head. "So who are you?" Kokichi asked the guy. "Nagito Komaeda, I can see we are going to have many fun times together, my friend!"

Kokichi smiled. This was it, his new job, first day, and he'd already made a friend! Two, if Mondo had liked him, and three, if Kiyotaka still liked him after he woke up. Kokichi looked around the office and climbed up onto a table. Together, he and Nagito cried: "HI WELCOME TO CHILLIS!!!"

And from across the office, Makoto Naegi sighed. This was going to be a long ass fucking year.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kokichi's first day at the office continues. He encounters the High Priority unit, and makes the most of his time with them.

A loud boom echoed into the office from somewhere down the hall. Kokichi and Nagito freaked out, with the latter dropping to the floor and wailing, clutching his arms to his body as Vietnam flashbacks clouded his vision. Grape man Kokichi looked around the office, where, surprisingly, no one else was reacting the same as him. He checked for Kiyotaka, Mondo and the fat guy whose name he still hadn't acquired, who were each staring at their computer screen, Kiyotaka's ass and the coffee machine respectively. Absolutely useless, he thought, with a grin on his face.

Kokichi made his way to the door and crab-raved down the corridor, until he came across a room with "HIGH PRIORITY CALLS ONLY" written in the blue sharpie Celestia had used on his napkin. "Rest in peace sharpie napkin" he said a quick prayer before opening the door. 

What greeted him was pure chaos. A hole was blown in the wall, dripping rubble onto the pavement below, and attached to the ledge there were two hands, clearly an unfortunate soul trying to hold on to whatever miserable life they lived. Kokichi squinted, and watched an enormous, almost robot-like man lift the owner of the hands up and throw them straight out through the hole. A crash and several children's screams were heard from the playground opposite. 

Multiple desks were brushed clean, with their contents scattered in heaps on the floor, and in their place were a group of employees, each wearing outfits more ridiculous than the next. Kokichi shook his head and patted his cheeks. This had to be a dream, right? This was supposed to be the high priority room, the people there should be doing their jobs seriously!  
  


"Eyy, fresh meat! Get over here and join us!" A loud voice brought Kokichi's attention away from the giant man dusting his hands by the large hole, and he turned to see a guy which shockingly pink hair and a juice-stained beanie, waving at him and grinning with teeth that could literally cut through steel.  _Jet fuel can't melt steel beams_ , Kokichi thought, and made his way over to the group of slackers. A girl with blue hair was in heated debate with a cute emo-looking boy. Three girls with various unnatural and natural hair colours were giggling to themselves, one holding a phone with the classic 'Do u no de wae' song blaring full volume. Kokichi took a seat next to a blonde girl, clutching her neck and choking out the phrase "hot dog in lung" repeatedly. When he tried to help her, she swatted his hand away and continued with her feat of asphyxiation. Kokichi considered this as nothing more than drug-influenced behaviour, and he stuck his hand in the air:

"AAYY, PASS THE WEED!"

Several of the party turned to look at him, before settling down in a low silence. Great, Kokichi said to himself. "Oh ok, I look like too much of a kid to get the stuff, understandable. Have a nice day!"

A man wearing glasses and a suit with a picture of Yung Gravy on the back stood up, casting daggers at the group with his eyes. "We are supposed to be debating on colleague relationships, correct? So.....IBUKI! PUT YOUR DAMN PHONE AWAY! MIU! STOP PRETENDING TO BE DYING! SAYAKA AND SHUICHI,  NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT WHO SHOULD'VE SURVIVED IT LIVES BENEATH!"

Satisfied that he had control over the group (however minimal) the esteemed Byakuya Togami sat down, gesturing to a man across from him with wild black and white hair. "Gundham, any comments on the matter? You've been quiet the whole time."

Gundham shifted in his seat, his eyes briefly meeting those of the steel beam-eating man next to Byakuya. Then he cleared his throat: "I don't need friends, they disappoint me." He then threw a funky pose in his seat. Kokichi applauded.

A large-breasted girl tagged "Akane" piped up; "He fucked Kazuichi!"

Cries erupted from around the circle, people high-fiving Gundham and cheering, and some just random retards screaming for no reason. The Kazuichi in question cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled above the noise: "HEY! If yo girlfriend say her ex-boyfriend's name in bed, go to his place and kiss him! See what it's all about! See what that dick is all about!"

"THAT'S YOUR EXCUSE EVERY TIME YOU SLEEP WITH 'IM!" He was counter-attacked by Ibuki, unable to control her laughter. Mahiru sighed. "You and Sonia aren't dating either, so I'd say you don't have any excuse right now." Before Kazuichi could fight back, 'She's My Collar' from the 2017 album 'Humanz' by Gorillaz began to blast from Gundham's Nokia Brick. "Ah, that, appears to be my cue to leave." 

And with a flick of his coat, a metre-high model of a hamster fell from the ceiling, spraying the group with plaster and flakes of a year-old croissant wedged into the pipes. The eccentric dick-eater climbed aboard the animal and dragged a protesting Kazuichi on after him. With one last cry of "YOU BEST BE READY FOR IT", the pair zoomed from the hole in the wall, which was halfway fixed by the enormous guy from earlier. 

Kokichi looked at the group, now hurling accusations at each other. "OI BYAKUYA! AREN'T YOU GETTIN' IT ON WITH THE BRUNETTE IN LOW PRIORITY?", which was followed by a resonating crash as Byakuya's fist hit the coffee blender. "Naegi and I are friends, and if you ask him about our relationship aside from that I'll have Toko remove your arms AND your penis!" Byakuya stormed out after his hissy fit. 

As more juicy goss on relationships flew, Kokichi heard a "BAZINOGIOO!" before being promptly smacked in the head with a jar of olives and passing out.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the drama with the High Priority unit, Kokichi buckles down to work and gets his first calls of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to base the calls on funny 911 operator calls I've found online. Reminder that only the Priority (and sometimes High Priority) guys take the morbid or sad calls here.
> 
> EDIT (13/2/19): Yo guys, sorry for taking so long to update. I'm going to continue this chapter as it was too short earlier.

After waking from the concussion he’d received in the previous chapter, Kokichi was transported swiftly from the High Priority unit and dumped through the hole in the wall. He would’ve probably cracked his head open on the broken glasses and surprisingly intact Macbook resting on the pavement (Kiyotaka’s doing, of course) if it hadn’t been for a lady dragging a mattress underneath at the exact moment he fell. The woman, who was wearing a witch outfit, threw her hat on the ground lazily. "I guess this cum-stained mattress is good for something then" she sighed, dropping the piece of furniture. Kokichi squirmed. "Ewww, what are those stains?! Hey lady!" he called, but she had already left. Kokichi wondered if he would ever see her again. 

After making his way back inside, the purple gay fuck sat down at his desk and put on the headset. Finally, time to answer some calls!  
Before Kokichi could even get started he heard a voice from behind him. "Hehe, 69" said the overweight, glasses wearing otaku crinkled up into his chair. Kokichi turned his head like a dog; what was the weeb talking about? "Oh, my desk number?" he said as it hit him. "Hehe, yeah, 69."

Kokichi turned around in embarrassment as the motherfucker's laughs turned into pants and then into silence. He had passed out.

It wasn't long before he got his first call. Nervously, Kokichi held down the button and spoke into the receiver: "91 fucking 1, what can I do for you?" The voice on the other end wailed in fright. "My cou-cousins are here, and I think they are h-hurting each other!" 

The kid couldn't be older than 10, and Kokichi sighed EXTREMELY loudly. "Cousins eh? Can you tell me about these chucklefucks?" 

"Well, they are married, and I think Jeffrey is hurting Camilla! I hear her yelling through the b-bedroom wall!" 

Kokichi ran a hand over his desktop, knocking off the empty Starbucks cup and chrome dildo that had been left there. "Can you put the phone against the door, so I can hear the entertainment?" Within seconds the kid complied and Kokichi laughed into the receiver. "Okay sweetie, so your cousins are having what's called 'sex'. You'll learn about it when you're older. I'm gonna hang up now, don't go in their room okay?" And with that he dropped the headset into the trash can, landing it perfectly on top of a crusty bagel. 

A voice to his right caught his attention. "Wow, your first call ever and it's a sexuation? You must be pretty fuckin' disappointed man" said the tired-looking brunette next to him. "Hajime Hinata, I guess we're deskmates now."

"Yeah, it wasn't what I expected when I found the flyer under a Wendy's bathroom sink. Nice to meet you too, Hajimeme, I'm Kokichi and I'm gonna fucking destroy this job." 

Hajime stared at him for a second and turned back to his computer. "You know the white-haired kid you default-danced with earlier?" He said, his done-with-your-bullshit anime eyes fixated on said white-haired kid. "Could you maybe ask him out for me? Don't be stupid about it, just say I wanna get a coffee with him or something. That possible for you?" 

"( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)" Kokichi replied. Hajime clutched his head in terror: "HOW THE FUCK DID YOU SAY THAT OUT LOUD."

Elsewhere in the building, a blonde young woman was making her way through the hallway Kokichi had walked himself not long ago, clutching her napkin in two emulsion-painted fingernails. She twirled a lock of hair through her fingers, singing to herself loudly: "I gotta hit that street you better watch it, with a gat that I cock with a full clip, I got the whip, got the pitch, but I keep it undercover, all up in the club, just to live it up...see this stone cold face, try to knock it, I can't be trapped never walk, I'm a rocket, I gotta be in it, I gotta grip on it, I gotta be-ba-AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" 

Her slightly-above-average vocalising was interrupted when a small person in a mangy Pac-man suit appeared from around the corner, terrifying Junko and causing her napkin to fly straight into the Big Out of Place Inhalation Trashcan, which tore the napkin to shreds in seconds. The person in the suit made a noise not dissimilar to a whale committing suicide and removed the disgusting yellow thing. "You should watch your step around BOPIT" the girl said quietly. Junko took note of the Fortnite hoodie she wore and the Gamecube earrings nestled between her hair and skin. "Oh thank God, just a virgin," she sighed, "I thought I was gonna be murdered, or worse, have my hair ruined! Do ya know how long it takes Bevvy Lateo to do these pigtails?!" 

The smaller girl shrugged and slipped back inside the Pac-man suit. "If anyone asks, you didn't hear this from Chiaki, but don't go in the ladies today. At least not until after six." And with that she waddled away, the suit tearing a little on the large nightmarish machine on the wall. Junko blinked, and continued down the corridor to the Non Priority room. 

Before she could enter however, a small, baby-faced man slammed the door wide open, and screamed in his screamiest screamy voice: "KAAAAAAAAY-AAAAAYY-DAAAYYY AKAMATSUUUUUUU!!!" Behind him Junko could see a grey-haired girl clutching a note, hand over her mouth and her face bright red. "YOU!" the man cried, surprising Junko. "The fuck do you want" she said in her most uninterested voice. "IF YOU SEE *WHEEZE* A BLONDE WOMAN *SEETHE* WITH PIANO NOTES IN HER *COUGH* HAIR, TELL HER FUYUHIKO KUZURYU IS OUT FOR HER BLOOD!" 

Junko stepped inside as a guy with the most unbelievable hair she had ever seen and another waving his arms around fast enough to dry said hair cornered and tried (and failed) to calm down the kid. "Ey, boss baby, come on, it was just a joke letter, ya shouldn't go after the poor girl like that. Peko's fine, right Peks?" Shit-for-hair turned around and patted the girl on the shoulder. She was unresponsive for a second and then spoke solemnly. "Truly, young master, I am fine. I should not have come here and distressed you." 

"Additionally, you just terrified our newest recruit! I apologise miss, what's your name?" the frantic dark-haired man asked her. "Junko Enoshima, don't touch my fucking hair."

Kiyotaka nodded and turned to the rest of the room. "Everyone, we have another new member! Please welcome Junko to the crew appropriately! Which means, Nagito, no singing the Fingers in His Ass song, Hifumi, no volunteering to read your fanfiction out loud for everyone to be disgusted by, and Mondo, my dearest, PLEASE no motorcycle noises!" He then turned on his heel and left. 

Kokichi was the first to say hello, having just got off his fourth call of the day. "Hi, my name's Cock Itchy! I hope ya like AIDs, half the desks are full of em!"

Junko sighed in exact coordination with the brunette at the back of the room. She looked at him. He looked at her. She mimed putting a gun to her head. He did the same. Then the guy's phone rang and he frowned at the caller ID, before picking up with it on speaker: "Byakuya, dude, I love you, but do you need to call me? You're like, right down the hall."

"Well, excuuuuse me for not wanting to waste my energy!" the phone said.

Makoto made a face that reminded Kokichi of ಠ╭╮ಠ and continued talking, not on speaker anymore. 

"Fuck" said Kokichi and Nagito together, and then they (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kokichi's second day begins and he meets the Priority Unit, the "only people who do any damn work in this hellhole"-Ryoma Hoshi 2k19.
> 
> EDIT (11/3/19): Back again, this time to update this chapter. I might continue with the whole 'do half a chapter and finish it later' thing I got going, I might not. I don't know. Welp, enjoy.

Kokichi sat down at his desk with an excited smile on his face, careful not to mark his Prada fishnet tights with one of the coloured highlighter stains on his chair (scars from a violent fight between Kiyotaka and Hifumi a year prior to his arrival) and set his Starbucks coffee down on the table. He then got up again and headed over to Nagito's desk as the guy was waving to him. 

"Morning Kokichi! You see Pewdiepie's new video yet? Or do I have to sneak you out at lunch to watch it with me in the janitor's closet?" 

Kokichi tossed his hair over his shoulder and sat cross-legged on his friend's desk. "Of course I saw it, ya fuckin' incel! Oh, by the way, Hajimaymay wants to get a drink with you after work."

Komaeda's face went pink and stared at his hands. "O-oh, he does? Tell him I accept if he pays, I spent my cash on Robux last night...."

"Sure thing bro, see ya at break" and with that Kokichi did the running-man dance to his desk. He plopped down again and grabbed the headset, placing it on his head. He turned to his deskmate Hajime and gave him a thumbs-up, before telling him "edgy fuck over there says he's DTF after work."

Hajime grinned at him. "Aight, thanks dude. Enjoy your calls today." About five minutes later, Kokichi got his first call of the day. The guy on the other end sounded wasted and clearly pissed off. "SOME FUCKIN' DOG JUST BIT MY FUCKIN' LEG!"

Kokichi took a small breath. "Alright sir, is the dog in your immediate vicinity?" He asked. "NO, BUT HE'S ABOUT TO FUCKIN' BE", Kokichi sighed as he heard the man running. "I'MA FIND THE DOG, AND I'MA FUCKIN' PISS ON IT!"

"I've dispatched an ambulance to your location sir, please don't approach the little chucklefuck. He could have AIDs. I should know, this office definitely does." After a minute or two of panting on the other end of the phone and heavy footsteps, Kokichi heard the sound of piss, followed by a dog growling. 

"Sir please tell you didn't just fuckin-"

The phone went dead just after the man started yelling and the gay clown dropped the receiver on the desk, throwing his head back and slumping into his seat. "This fucking job, I swear." He heard Hifumi laughing behind him and quickly stood up, making his way out of the room. 

"Ey, yo Kokichi! How's it hanging man? I didn't realise you got a job here!" the gremlin turned at the sound of his childhood friend, Yasuhiro, and broke out into a smile. "Hell yeah bro! Low Priority, perfect for my talented ass."

The obviously high tall-guy grinned and gestured for Kokichi to follow him. "Mom set me up in Priority, which kinda sucks, 'cause they all do real work there. You wanna see?"

After a minute of walking Yasuhiro kicked a door labelled "Priority Calls" wide open, earning several annoyed looks from the room's inhabitants. Kokichi recognised the silver-haired girl Peko, who had been in Low Priority yesterday panicking about a note she'd received from a girl in High Priority, teasing her about her relationship with LP's own Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu. 

Kokichi took in the people working hard to answer serious calls. There was a guy with red hair and a goatee-fuckin-thingy, a small girl with blonde hair, a fat guy ( _Hifumi's lost brother?_ , he thought) in a chef getup, a strange girl in glasses whispering anxiously into her receiver, and another short guy with a hat on his head, speaking calmly to the person on the other end of his call.

As he was staring a girl with lilac hair and a look that reminded Kokichi of (¬_¬) had approached him. "I sure hope you're not here to interrupt our work, sir." She spoke with an air of authority, despite looking completely uninterested in what was going on. 

Kokichi shook his head. "Nah, Sans here was showing me the people who do work here. Over at Lo-Lo Pee we get like fuck-all important stuff done, and the High Guys are too busy shoving shit up their asses to answer calls."

The girl regarded him quietly, and nodded. "My name is Kyoko Kirigiri then. I hope you learn a thing or two from observing us in action." She returned to her desk.

"Wait, why am I Sans? That white goblin in LP is better suited to being Sans than me."

"Do not question, Yasuhiro. The last guy who questioned his position ended up in my basement with Uncle Larry from the SCP Foundation giving him an atomic wedgie for all of eternity."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (WE'RE BACK BABEY!!!)
> 
> Kokichi learns of a super secret surprise that his colleagues are planning and wants in on the chaos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOYS, WE'RE BACK
> 
> So in the, what? Three, four months I dropped out of Danganronpa not much has changed. Maybe my taste in memes and writing has changed a little, idk. I accidentally deleted all the planning I had for this fic, which means I'm winging it now. Yeeeep. I need to go figure out which characters haven't be introduced....Enjoy!  
> Oh, and shameless plug, follow me on Insta: @ss.himeji

It was just another regular day in the Low Priority room, and Kokichi had just finished a call with a man whose door had fallen off it's hinges and crushed his Subway roll. The gay clown was taking a sip of his orange juice (courtesy of deskmate Hajime) when he heard loud voices coming from outside. "Wow, wonder what the fuck that could be? Sure hope Nagitoes isn't having another seizure", and with that he climbed out of his chair and headed out into the corridor. 

"Kazuichi, quiet down! This is supposed to be top secret, you idiot!"

Stood in a cult-like circle in the hall was Kiyotaka, Makoto, Junko, Kazuichi and two blondes Kokichi didn't recognise. "Hey gents what's going on" he asked, scratching his ass. Junko looked up, saying nothing but "bitch" in a Nicki Minaj voice. Kokichi levelled his eyes and responded with "twitch." They stared in silence for a moment before being interrupted by Taka.

"If you two are quite finished, we're discussing the plans for the upcoming fundraising concert," he pulled out a sheet of paper, "I have a few people signed up, but I need some of you to go around and get more."

"Ooh, a concert! I'm in! I can see if Gundham wants to sing with me..." Blonde 1/3 sighed wistfully. She turned to Kokichi and smiled. "I'm Sonia, by the way, Sonia Nevermind. Your name is Kokichi right? It's nice to meet you at last!" He returned her smile. "Sure thing princess, you look like a nicer blonde than Junk over here."

The other blonde cleared her throat and grinned: "I'm Kaede. You sound cool, grape man!" 

"Yeah, whatever" Junko rolled her eyes, picking at the wall paint with her vomit-coloured nails. "So who is in so far?"

Kazuichi peered at the list. "Huh, we've got....aha, it's just...Nagito." Kokichi perked up. "Oh, what's he singing?"

The beanie man instantly began to convulse, dropping the paper and hitting the floor as he choked. Everyone else backed away from him and the list. "Fingers in His Ass? What's that?" Sonia asked, apparently immune to the curse of the FIHA song. "D-don't say it's name!" Kiyotaka screeched. "We lost another one!" sobbed Kaede. 

"Epic, I'll sing with him. It doesn't affect me. We can save it till last so we don't lose too many viewers early on!" Kokichi smiled, kicking Kazuichi in the back, who instantly got up like nothing had happened. Everyone convened around the paper again. "Alright, Makoto, Kokichi, and Kazuichi, you three go look for possible performers. Junko, Kaede, you should liaise with Celestia and sort out times for when the expo hall next door is free. Sonia, the heads of the company are going to be arriving shortly. I need you to get their opinion on things whilst making sure they don't see anything off-putting at our place of work. Alright? I'll be dealing with catering and the other services." Kiyotaka clapped his hands together. "Team. Break!"

"Okay gang, I already have a few ideas for acts, wanna hear?" Kazuichi gave the two guys a thumbs up. "So, basically, one of the heads is a hella good rapper, right? If me and Sonia can get him to join us, and probably Asahina too, we can do Mass Destruction. How about it?" 

Makoto mulled it over. "Yeah, that sounds good. But you'd need to get Mr Momota to agree to it. How likely is that, do you think?"

Kazuichi stared at the wall for a second, his life flashing before his eyes. "Pretty good, I think!" He dabbed, and punched his own arm. 

"Right, so that's one thing. Anyone know any bands in the precinct...?" 

"Dumbass, we don't work for the police" Makoto sighed. "I guess we should go look around and find other people." 

After a few minutes of walking they found the High Priority room, and headed inside. Kokichi was instantly hit with a wave of cologne and musty three-day-old Coke bottles. "Yo homos!" Ibuki cried out, hurrying over to them. "Whatcha doin here?"

The boys explained their task. "Huhhh...Ibuki's band could join! We're pretty good~" she grinned, suddenly all moe-like.

"Sounds cool! Who's in it?" 

"Well, there's me, Kaede, Leon and Chihiro from Priority, and Mondo!" Ibuki put her hands on her hips, winking. "I'm sureeee Taka would love to see that, right?"

(Cue timeskip because I'm bored and running out of time to write)

By the end of the day, they had signed Ibuki's band, "PH0N3^FL1NG3R5", "KASK", A BlackPink impersonation group caled "WhitePurple", and a few others. Kokichi knew already that this concert would be a fucking mess, but he was excited. 

"Until next time" he thought menacingly....


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto, Kazuichi and Kokichi continue the hunt for performers. Sonia deals with the company heads.

"So," Makoto said, "how many more do we need? Ibuki's group are doing a shit ton of songs, so that covers half the concert at most."

Kazuichi sighed. "I tried to get Byakuya to join us but he "vehemently refused." 

"Nanbaka reference" Kokichi said, hitting the Woah. The others murmured and nodded in agreement. "Apart from that we have the kpoppies, the ones doing Mass Destruction, you and Nagito, and Shuichi."

"What's Shoe-itchy singing?" the clown asked. "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" Makoto replied. Kokichi's spine disconnected from his pelvis and he did a funky worm wiggle that should not be physically possible for a human. Kazuichi applauded. 

Makoto shook his head. "I had to dissuade Gundham from singing a Mystery Skulls song, heaven knows we're all gonna die if he does. Well, if FIHA doesn't kill us first."

In another part of the building, Sonia was waiting to greet the heads of the company, two dumbasses with too much money and nothing in common except that they're both crackheads. Mr Amami was famous for forgetting how to interact with humans and completely freezing up in a conversation, and Mr Momota for trying to send his cousin to space in a pizza van, "to make sure it would be safe when I went up there LMAAAAAOOOOO gang rekt".

"Final thing; make sure you keep Momota away from the High Priority room" Celestia told her, as she chilled out by the front desk. "Because they never do any work and there is definitely a dead body in there?" Sonia asked.

"No, one of the guys there is crushing LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER and we don't want a Grade A Saihara shutdown, alright?" Sonia nodded.

Suddenly, a Ferrari painted to look like a cop car pulled up at the doors, blaring Riot by Hollywood Undead out of the external and internal speakers. To make it family friendly pg clean, all the swearing and drug mentions were censored with the "BRUH" sound effect. 

"WALK IN THE ROOM AND I CHECK FOR *BRUH*, CHECK MY *BRUH*, CHECK MY *BRUH* *BRUH* *BRUH* *BRUH*, GOT ALL MY HOMIES HERE AND THAT'S *BRUH* *BRUH*, WE GOT MORE *BRUH* THAN YOUR *BRUH* KITCHEN". Sonia covered her ears at the noise as two men in clout goggles: one with a Minecraft Steve onesie and the other with a Papa Bless shirt, walked through the foyer. "Welcome sirs, I hope your journey was enjoyable!" Sonia offered them a winning smile.

"パパの祝福" said the second man, his short green hair filled with avocado chunks. It was at that moment the tech support girl, Chiaki, walked down the hall and began default dancing. Onesie guy joined her. "Hell yeah, Nanami, my g, you are KILLING IT right now!" 

Mr Amami clubbed him on the back of the head and Mr Momota stopped, offering Chiaki a burrito, which she ate in one chomp sound effect. They high-fived, and she headed back to her room. 

"Sorry for my partner's behaviour, he never graduated school. You are Sonia Nevermind, right? Ishimaru said you'd be giving us the tour" Amami told her.

"Yes, that's me! If you would follow me, sirs." Before Sonia could walk away Amami threw a donut at BOPIT, watching it shred. "Call us by our first names if you want."

The boys were on their way to the break room so Kokichi could grab some orange juice for deskmate Hajime when they were interrupted by a blonde. "Hey I know you" Kokichi said, "you're the girl who was choking herself with a hotdog that time in High Pee." The girl ignored him. 

"Makoto, you fuckin' dumbass, why haven't you signed me up for the concert?! I told ya, me an' Hiyuks and Junky are gonna do some Ninky Minjaj songs! You scrotum!" 

Makoto was too busy dissociating to do anything so Kazuichi grabbed the pen and wrote their names down. "We'll give you a call when we...wait, when ARE the rehearsals?"

"We're not having any," Kokichi responded, "it's muuuuch more fun to wing it ;;;;;;)" Kazuichi screamed. "MAN HOW THE FUCK YOU KEEP DOING FACES LIKE THAT OUT LOUD".


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night of the charity concert is finally here, but will disaster strike when a certain phone call is made?

It was finally the night of the concert, and all of the group's planning was tying together. Sonia had a successful tour with the company heads who would be returning to open the event and say a few words-as long as Kaito didn't start offering copies of his mixtape for free it would all go smoothly. Kokichi was watching his colleagues pack up for the night and head home, often mixing with the disgruntled night shift team, whom he never bothered to mingle with. As the night-boys took their seats around the room, he made his way over to Nagito's desk.

"Hey bro are we ready to sing the FIHA song tonight? I've been practicing in a locked SCPF-authorised containment chamber all week! Soundproof walls and everything." Nagito turned his head up, showing Kokichi his distraught expression. "LEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOYYY JEEEEEEENKIIIINS" he shook visibly as he cried, "I'm so scared Hajimeme will be embarrassed or I'll hurt someone with the song...I'm gonna take a nap and maybe when I wake up this will all be over." Kokichi stared as he thunked his head on the desk and passed out.

Shrugging, the clown headed down to the hall next door, admiring the decorations which all said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAUGHTER" in obnoxious red lettering. Apparently, Kiyotaka had to send Hifumi to get them, and by the time he was back it was too late for any returns. Byakuya (who was supposed to be on the committee but dipped due to "not being arsed with such a lowly task") greeted him.

"Kokichi, just the man I needed to see. Taka wants you in the back. You haven't seen Naegi or Kirigiri have you? I'm supposed to be accompanying them tonight," the blonde sighed, "it  _could've_ just been me and Makoto if he didn't drag Sherlock Stoned along with us too..."

Kokichi shook his head-"Thanks for the message man, hope you have a nice seizure!" Before Byakuya could respond he Naruto-ran behind the curtain and straight into Kaede. "Wooaaaah, Kokichi, you gay fuck, watch where you going!" 

"Kokichi, idiot, you're late! We start in five minutes! I can't find the kpoppies' tracklist, please God someone help me!" Kiyotaka was dashing about like his life depended on it, and Kokichi sighed, handing him the list, to his relief. 

The performers: "WhitePurple" (Kpoppies), The Wheatfields (Kazuichi's dumbass group name), the Nicki Minaj impersonators and Ibuki's band-who had a special name they didn't want revealed yet-were all waiting backstage for the charity concert to begin. "EYY KOKICHI BITCH WHEN 'A WE GOIN' ON STAGE??? HIYOKO'S GETTIN' NERVOUS 'N I'M WORRIED ABOUT HA" Miu was tapping her feet angrily. Kokichi flipped her off. 

"Patience, Iruma, the concert is beginning now." 

The lights went on, the curtain went up, and the ever-classic "Roman Holiday" flooded the venue. "TAKE YO MEDICATION ROMAN"-Miu cried, followed by her backing singers (Junko and Hiyoko)-"TAKE A SHORT VAYCAYSHUN ROMAN YO BE OKUUURRR!" The audience instantly began booing and flinging furniture at Miu, because how dare she sing the dreaded Cardi B catchphrase in a Nicki Minaj song! The three girls kept singing and rapping until Hiyoko passed out and they had to drag her off stage. Kiyotaka was doing his best to calm the audience down when the kpoppies entered the stage, each dressed in pineapple costumes of various colour. They were also, however, booed off the stage, before their song could even begin.

With two songs out of the way, Kokichi took a seat next to Nagito in the front row. "Enjoying the digs my guy?" the clown asked his friend. 

"Sure it's fine, I can't wait to sing FIHA! Thanks for the words of encouragement earlier man, it really helped." Nagito offered him a fistbump and Kokichi headbutted his hand like it was nothing.

Kaede walked out on stage, microphone in hand, as the band set up behind her. "Hey kings and kweens! Guess who is up next? That's right! My band, with our newly coined name.." she took a deep inhale.

"FUCK YOU BORIS JOHNSON SUCK MY DICK!!" 

The room erupted into applause, happy shouts and whistles of support. Mondo slammed his drumsticks together and they started playing their first song (Step Up Love, from Shrek's favourite anime Blood Blockade Battlefront). Ibuki did some right-hand tapping a la Akira Otoishi as she sung, joined by Leon as the male singer. Chihiro, the adorable little guy from Priority, was DJing in the back, nodding his head to the beat. As the song drew to a close, Ibuki and Leon hit the final notes and everyone began clapping again. 

After the cheering died down, The Wheatfields took to the stage, with Aoi and Sonia on the chorus and Kaito Momota, the gay homophobic legend, rapping along. Kazuichi started to sob during the iconic chorus, flinging himself off the stage and onto Nekomaru Nidai's back. The large man patted his head and set him down on the floor. Kokichi lost sight of Sodaman as he was sweeped up in Gundham's robes.

Teruteru took the stage next-it turns out he was the fat kid in Priority who may or may not be related to Hifumi-and started singing Pizza Pasta. "Ｐｉｚｚａ， ｐａｓｔａ， ｐｕｔ ｉｔ ｉｎ ａ ｂｏｘ Ｄｅｌｉｖｅｒ ｉｔ ｔｏ ｍｙ ｈｏｕｓｅ ａｎｄ ｐｕｔ ｉｔ ｏｎ ｍｙ ｃｏｃｋ， ｍｙ ｃｏｃｋ， ｍｙ ｃｏｃｋ， ｍｙ ｃｏｃｋ， ｍｙ ｃｏｃｋ， ｍｙ ｃｏｃｋ， ｍｙ ｃｏｃｋ Ｃｈｅｅｓｙ ｏｎ ｍｙ ｐｅｅｎｙ ａｎｄ ｓｏｍｅ ｓａｌｓａ ｏｎ ｍｙ ｂａｌｌｓ．Ｐｉｚｚａ， ｐａｓｔａ-" the song continued until everyone in the building was shaking from despair-induced terror. What a horrific song.

The Nicki Minaj impersonators performed another song and then it was Shuichi's turn. He'd signed up to sing Boulevard of Broken Dreams, but after he introduced himself, motherfucking "Kream" by Iggy Azalea started playing. 

"Aaaayy, gedditgedditgedditgedditgedditgedditgeddit" he sung. "Open up the safe, bitches got a lot to say.."

After the surprisingly good singer Shuichi left the stage, the Kpoppies (who were up next) weren't allowed on. Instead, "FUCK YOU BORIS JOHNSON SUCK MY DICK" returned to play Bloody Mary. Kokichi and Nagito bounded up to the side of the stage as the group finished up, both shaking with excitement and the adrenaline you get when you're about to commit possible mass-murder.

"Fingers in his ass.." Nagito began, his head down and voice soft like an idol. "Fingers in his ass...Kanye West, he likes, fingers in his ass..."

Around five people started seizuring in the audience, everyone else covering their ears as soon as possible. Kokichi saw a guy shove his head inside a trash can to escape the noise. "Fingers in his ass, fingers in his ass, Kanye West he likes big fingers in his ass...!" 

"KANYE WEST HE LIKES, BIG FINGERS IN HIS ASS! KANYE WEST HE LIKES, BIG FINGERS IN, HIS ASS," they cried in unison, "FINGERS" "IN HIS" "ASS!" 

By the end of the song both boys were giddy with the after-effects of the FIHA song, surveying their disturbed audience. Byakuya Togami looked like he had just dissociated with himself and Makoto was trying to get his attention. The emergency nurse, Mikan Tsumiki, was desperately trying to issue medicine to the injured in this horrific scene of war.

They high-fived, grinning, and headed offstage, to welcoming cheers and shouts from the other performers. "Ya killed it yo!" Miu sang. 

"Aw thanks guys, we couldn't have done it without the blessing of the FIHA song" Kokichi smiled.

The final act was "FUCK YOU BORIS JOHNSON SUCK MY DICK" performing a cover of Voracity, the wonderful national anthem about eating people alive. Everyone who had worked on the concert put their hands in a pile and screamed "VORE!!" together as the music kicked in. 

"I AM VERY VERY CRAZY-" Ibuki screeched until the song was over.

Afterwards, when everyone in the audience had left, the team shared a bottle of Yazoo banana milkshake together. "Guys, I never thought I would say this, but what you did out there tonight was amazing. I'm so proud of you all! Even Nagito!" Taka sobbed. "Wow, that's a first" the gremlin in question said.

They were all chatting happily when Big Boss Kaito Momota rushed in, panting. "GUYS HOLY FUCK I HAVE SOME NEWS!"

"Good or bad?!" Hiyoko asked in her squeaky elf voice. "Uhh well...."

At the same time, other Big Boss Rantaro Amami burst in through the other doors. "Bad news, boys....they're closing this branch down."

 

_**TO BE CONTINUED...** _


End file.
